jgaoeiru;oijr125687

Well Andrew, I might as well just write this too you as you are probably the only person that reads this.

I'm at another one of my great over nights. At least I get to go home in like 40 minutes. I doubt I will go home and sleep much. I have to go get Tucker from Kari's apartment then go home and clean up the house because it is a disaster and make sure that the mini fridge is clean because my father is coming up today to get it and go to lunch with me. This will be the 2nd time they have came and visited me here in cedar falls. Well 2nd time for him at least. I've given up on being somewhat correct in my grammar here because the keyboard sticks and the F key doesn't work so well so just bare with me.

I'm bored. I really don't have much to say but I need something to occupy my time so I do not drift asleep. Things are going pretty well. Besides me being crazy sick this past week and half things are good. School is shitty just because I have a piss poor schedule. The classes are not hard, just the schedule sucks. I need a new job. Definitely. God I dont even know what to write. I have nothing really to bitch about. hmmmmm. As I Lay Dying is my thematic unit topic as it is a book by Faulkner that several des moines schools teach at the secondary level..I found that exciting. hmmmm I dont have much else. My stomach kills from a) working out yesterday with my trainer b) eating too much junkfood tonight so that I could stay awake. I went tanning today. Ok well yesterday to be exact. That was about the extent o my day after going to class and learning how to search google. I'm so glad I spend 10 grand a year to learn stuff like that. No, seriously.

Ok blah blah blah.
I give up.
This was a pointless post but it occupied, no joke, 10 minutes..becuase I couldn't even stay focused.


oh and I just learned the enter key sticks hard core. sweet. peace.

more than you know

I went to work yesterday and this little, well he isn't little by any means but still, boy comes up and screams "MANDE ITS 2008!!!" like it was the neatest thing ever. I'm glad he is excited. So far all this year has brought me is heartache.

I'm stuck between that rock and the hard place..I like to call it cedar falls. So many things are changing in my life and I really don't know what to do with anything! I honestly do not like change. I have had so much of it in my life that I long for consistency. I'm like an autestic child, I need the consistency to stay sain. Where do I even begin?

I need a new job. End of story. Especially after being placed with a young black girl that nearly got me arrested last wednesday at crossroads mall..all because she was throwing a fit about leaving the mall and two waterloo police officers came after and hour and half of her shrieking in the bathroom...they asked me if I hit her. It's highly irritating for how naive people are to children with various disorders and that it is instantly my fault..and then when I brought concerns of the shift to my supervisor she couldn't have given two shits about it. What if I had gotten arrested? DHS then investigates and I have a chance of getting put on the child abuse registry..lose my job, lose my chance of ever being a teacher...all over this dumb black bitch who has been so spoiled to getting her way. Situations like this make me some what racist. You'd understand if you have had my experiences.

I am sick of school. I have three actual semesters left (that is not counting summer sessions) then hopefully student teaching and graduating in December of 09. That's a straight five years in college..yay for super seniors. My parents dont understand why it has taken me so long. Having a double major isn't a piece of cake. Plus working full time, or trying to if my job allows it. Blahhhhhhhh I just want to be a teacher in my own classroom with my own kids filling their heads with worthless shit that can possible change their life. woooooooooooooo give me my fucking diploma already.

I am in a rut with Jerry. Like its bad. He is 22 and doesn't work. No, working one night a week working door at the pump haus doesn't count as a job. I have to think of my future and if he wants to be in it and a part of it then he needs to be able to take care of me...and making 40$ a week won't cut it. Until I get a masters my job won't bring in near enough. Sure maybe for two people..but what about a family? It is bound to happen eventually. I want more than what my parents offered me, and if he isnt going to help me then hit the road. I have this problem: it's called talking about how I feel. We don't believe in that in my house....it is just instantly my fault..and after 21 years its a habit hard to break. I have tried explaining to him my concerns...tried so hard to just break up with him to show him how serious I am..well that didn't last. I don't really WANT to break up with him but he needs to fucking grow up. He actually told me, last week, that he was still a kid. NO! You are fucking 22 years old, not living in mommys house, paying your own bills...you are not a baby. We left that stage once you quit shitting your pants dumbass. I love the kid. I do, and always have...I don't know what it is about him. I truly believe that he is the reason God brought me to Iowa. We have been through a lot..I have a been through a lot because of him. But at the same time...I don't know if this is REALLY what I want. I dont know I dont know I dont know. Allison told me it wouldn't be right if we weren't together. I guess after fourteen months and well three years history..I just need something to spark something again. I'm ready for that next step..and I never thought I would say that. I have been waiting for a long time for an engagement ring..after last christmas and that ring and the decision to make it a promise ring ...When we went to chicago I, for my own stupid fault, listened to my "friends" convince me that I would get an engagement ring..and then I didn't. Then I proceeded to get upset and cry on the deck of the cruise ship like a damn fool. Learned my lesson...but THEN his sister got engaged...then some friends got engaged..and his excuse is he cant afford a ring. Well no shit sherlock, you don't have a job...and that makes me curious if his words are truthful and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me..if he really wanted to..why is he not working on getting that engagement ring? I don't know. I really just don't know what to do...and I'm sure I sound foolish at this point.

I remember when I was sitting on the magic carpet in my kindergarten class..and I thought by the year 2008 it would be jetson like and well, I would be dead...needless to say I didnt have a good perception of time haha. Instead, I am 21 years old...college student..supporting myself..living on my own..great friends..responsible..proud owner of Tucker (the smallest dog with the biggest weiner...true story) and I havnt killed him yet! So things sound good but I am still miserable. Maybe I am just meant to be miserable my entire life. I dont know. I don't know what else to do. So many things have changed...friends, family, and me. Maybe my problem is that I had to grow up too early. Yeah, I don't know.

llamabamastrama obama?

I am getting really bad at writing a complete entry and becoming distracted...and clicking 'x'. Meh, oh well. I suppose it just isn't that important to say if I can delete it so fast, right?

I'm sick. It sucks. It was bound to happen though. I've been 'puny' for a while but now its flat out "take me to a field and shoot me" kind of sick. Which makes things horrible because I am pitiful when I become ill. It probably doesn't help that when I get sick I get sick..if that makes sense. All I want to do is sleep. It is frustrating to get up from napping, drive across town for work, get there to have them tell you that you a)arn't supposed to be there b)be there later or c)just be complete bitches to me..cool. I need a new job. Jerry has enforced that idea, especially today.
Anyways, I have a perana for a dog I have concluded. I'm sitting here watching him chew the shit out of his plastic chew toy. He has ate all the little spikey things off the toy so it no longer squeaks, which I suppose I cant argue with but seriously..damn dog. Its just Tuck and I this week primarily. Allison is going home tomorrow, Morgan is not here and well its better if Colleen is not here. After what she pulled last week and has still not confronted me about...but continutes to talk shit to everyone else...brave honey, brave. I'm ready to go home though for a few days. Christmas will be interesting considering my family is not really celebrating christmas. It is frustrating to have dad and brandon get huge presents and I know I am getting my moms new/old camera...and that's all. Call me spoiled but it really hurts my feelings that Dad got the new mac book pro, brandon got the empala and the flat screen..and I asked for a new camera and mom just gives me hers haha..oh well, she doesn't use it and I love it..it's very nice. I really just want/need money though, so I'd be happy with a check.
Jerry took me last weekend to pick out the type of engagment ring I would want..that was exciting but after what happened last christmas and our trip to Chicago I am not getting my hopes up for anything...but it was still exciting. Blah. I hate sitting at home by myself. I guess I could start doing some baking, but I dont really feel like it...;alkdjf;oierf;lkjfad;lksmca;dkjareoiw *cough sniff achooo*

bye.

ewww

It is 4:42 am..and I am wide awake. Kill me. I woke up about an hour ago in an immense amount of pain. Vomiting is like my weakness. I am such a baby when I am puking. Well now I cant sleep because my stomach is absolutely killing me. At least I dont have my first class tomorrow..so hopefully I can fall back asleep soon and sleep soundly for a bit.

I just read someones blog (what else is there to do at 4:45 am? the only thing on tv is MTVCribs, acne commercials and jerry springer...) and he was discussing the fact that he cleaned his house w/o the help of the latter part of his roommates...man I feel for you. Tiff can't do anything to exert energy as she is biggest piece of shit in the entire universe..but lord knows she can use every fucking plate, dish, pot, pan, bowl, cup that we own. I hate using the dishwasher. I figure we use enough water with the laudry accessories that washing some dishes by hand is smarter..and I was never able to put pots and pans in the dishwasher at my parents home..you was it as you use it not leave it in the sink where it ruins...Colleen will help clean if she see's me cleaning..and Allison is very good at cleaning. I have nearly given up on trying to keep our house clean...and it doesn't help that Tucker finds his way into everything and tears things apart...damn dog.

I really have nothing substantial to say...I am simply trying to go back to sleep but my body aches soooo bad right now I could cry. It's nights like this that I absolutely hate sleeping by myself. I guess I have become spoiled to sleeping next to someone for the last year. We started looking for houses last night. That is kind of exciting....I guess.

Hello, pizza hut?

I am anxiously waiting for my pizza to arrive..it is the first time I have had pizza in a while and will probably just look at it anyways..haha..gives me an excuse to go work out again tonight after working on my paper..that too I am procrastinating and yada yada.
This weekend is the beginning of my thanksgiving/fall break. It really wont be much of a break minus the school aspect. Well, the going to school part because I am still going to be doing projects and working everyday up to thanksgiving. Oh well.
I need to train tucker better. "Come here" does not mean he should sit down. Also, if I am studying that does not give signal for him to start whining for attention. Arg.

doot doot doot

I can't sleep. I am tired, and yet I cannot sleep. This sucks majorily. I am one of those people that cannot function without sleep. I guess I have just too much on my mind and my body aches entirely way to much to sleep right now. Shitfuck; pardon my language...
What to do, oh what tooooooo do.
I'm at a very confusing point in many aspects of my life. I had to go home last weekend to take care of some business so that I can maintain a certain mental state before it gets bad. I am not sure if this trip home was really good or not. I didnt have to deal with anyone really. Just my mother really, and that is something that will always happen but she mentally makes me exhausted. I was informed that my dad will be placed on oxygen soon. That is alarming. Dad was always so tough. The man hates sitting still and now he is spending more days at home because he cant function. He isn't even 49, so I dont really see this as fair. Nanny is always fun though. Having lunch with her is always a treat, for the most part. She is worried for both my parents. It scares the shit to be left with mom and not dad, or to be standing longer than the both of them. However, the whole situation pisses me off. Why can he NOT take care of himself? Why has my mother just let herself go so much..and why is it that the only fucking person I can talk to this about is a damn computer screen? Oh that's right, nobody can really comprehend this. Read it, take it in, then try and tell me how I feel. Even words cant really convey or express my emotions. Maybe I dont really know how I feel and that is the frustrating thing. My brother has no idea what is going on because he is so wrapped up in his new life in georgia with his new wife to really give a damn. He has to take care of nothing and nobody that concerns my family. He has always been like this and always will be I guess.
Man, see what happens when I can't sleep.
Then there is my relationship with Jerry. I dont even know. I love him, always and forever..but I am scared to death of the relationship. I want to think that it is because I have never had someone that has cared so much or if it is because I dont want this anymore and am just used to the comfort that he and I have...this brings tears, a lot of them. It has become so hard for me to forgive AND forget. I can do one but I simply cannot do them both. Having my heart broken and my head fucked with has really left me in shambles. The worst part is...he doesn't understand. He never will and HE doesn't get that. Sure, we have talked about it "Mande, it has been x amount of months..." yeah well only time can heal right? Well this might be something I can never get over. The fact that an engagement was revoked and now marriage is briefly discussed, I dont know what to feel. I'm sick of where I am in the relationship..it is so routine and that I hate. I need some spontaneity. I need something to spark something. I just need something! Maybe I need to be without him to figure out if I want to be with him. that is scary because I have been without him and I wanted him, but things just arn't the same...at least not on my end and that sucks.
Maybe I just need to be away from a lot of things to figure out what I am doing. I am so worn out in so many aspects. I know something isn't right...for the simple fact I am not sleeping. Sup manic episodes. Drip Drip, that will fix something for at least a little bit. I should be happy. I have been successfully on my own this semester. Refusing to ask mom for money and yet maintaining incredibly great grades. That is hard, really really hard. Especially when I have roommates that DONT work but get my grades and complain about not working, or having a hard schedule and how tired they are..well don't stay up til 3am playing beer pong and work my 30+ week of work with kids that are mentally and physcially abusive then spend hours reading very intense pieces of literature and writing something that doesn't sound like a five year old wrote it...and then complain. Frustrations are arising. Drip Drip, fix a little more. Ohhh the world of Mande.
I will now repress to my modern ways and enjoy VH1 and its amazingly horrible shows...and try to drift off into some kind of sleep.

land softly

I am sitting here watching the newest episode of OC Housewives...and these women make me sick honestly. That, I suppose, is beside the point.
I have the hardest time when people betray my trust. I really have a harder time hating people, and hate is a strong word for me. For the first time in my life though I truly hate someone...my roommate Tiff. I think my feelings for her are so nasty because I was betrayed so immensly that I can not believe that I was so blind for a whole year. Becoming so close to someone, so close that I was suppose to be a maid of honor in her wedding, to realizing what a terrible person she became is hard for me to deal with. I'm not one to shy my feelings, well for the most part...but by god if I told this girl how I felt I would like to think she would cry for days..but I dont think she cares because she is that heartless of a person. To find out some of the cruel things she said to me really hurts and have this harsh feeling that I have is difficult to deal with. Tonight I have said the most words to her in the past four months, and I am proud I did not flat out punch her in the face. However, I refuse to let our friendship mend. As Lauren would say "I would love to forgive..but I'd also love to forget you" ...what can I say, the line fits perfectly.
Things are crazy right now. I have so many many many many mixed feelings right now about so many different things. From relationships to school and so on. I think I just need a break from everyone and everything...maybe I will just turn my phone off for an entire weekend and pretend I do not exist and totaly emerge myself in some self help that only I know will work. Sounds like a plan to me.
Now I must go read some Olidah Equiano and figure out if he was a black slave or an English Methodist writer...wow that sounds like fun.