more than you know

I went to work yesterday and this little, well he isn't little by any means but still, boy comes up and screams "MANDE ITS 2008!!!" like it was the neatest thing ever. I'm glad he is excited. So far all this year has brought me is heartache.

I'm stuck between that rock and the hard place..I like to call it cedar falls. So many things are changing in my life and I really don't know what to do with anything! I honestly do not like change. I have had so much of it in my life that I long for consistency. I'm like an autestic child, I need the consistency to stay sain. Where do I even begin?

I need a new job. End of story. Especially after being placed with a young black girl that nearly got me arrested last wednesday at crossroads mall..all because she was throwing a fit about leaving the mall and two waterloo police officers came after and hour and half of her shrieking in the bathroom...they asked me if I hit her. It's highly irritating for how naive people are to children with various disorders and that it is instantly my fault..and then when I brought concerns of the shift to my supervisor she couldn't have given two shits about it. What if I had gotten arrested? DHS then investigates and I have a chance of getting put on the child abuse registry..lose my job, lose my chance of ever being a teacher...all over this dumb black bitch who has been so spoiled to getting her way. Situations like this make me some what racist. You'd understand if you have had my experiences.

I am sick of school. I have three actual semesters left (that is not counting summer sessions) then hopefully student teaching and graduating in December of 09. That's a straight five years in college..yay for super seniors. My parents dont understand why it has taken me so long. Having a double major isn't a piece of cake. Plus working full time, or trying to if my job allows it. Blahhhhhhhh I just want to be a teacher in my own classroom with my own kids filling their heads with worthless shit that can possible change their life. woooooooooooooo give me my fucking diploma already.

I am in a rut with Jerry. Like its bad. He is 22 and doesn't work. No, working one night a week working door at the pump haus doesn't count as a job. I have to think of my future and if he wants to be in it and a part of it then he needs to be able to take care of me...and making 40$ a week won't cut it. Until I get a masters my job won't bring in near enough. Sure maybe for two people..but what about a family? It is bound to happen eventually. I want more than what my parents offered me, and if he isnt going to help me then hit the road. I have this problem: it's called talking about how I feel. We don't believe in that in my house....it is just instantly my fault..and after 21 years its a habit hard to break. I have tried explaining to him my concerns...tried so hard to just break up with him to show him how serious I am..well that didn't last. I don't really WANT to break up with him but he needs to fucking grow up. He actually told me, last week, that he was still a kid. NO! You are fucking 22 years old, not living in mommys house, paying your own bills...you are not a baby. We left that stage once you quit shitting your pants dumbass. I love the kid. I do, and always have...I don't know what it is about him. I truly believe that he is the reason God brought me to Iowa. We have been through a lot..I have a been through a lot because of him. But at the same time...I don't know if this is REALLY what I want. I dont know I dont know I dont know. Allison told me it wouldn't be right if we weren't together. I guess after fourteen months and well three years history..I just need something to spark something again. I'm ready for that next step..and I never thought I would say that. I have been waiting for a long time for an engagement ring..after last christmas and that ring and the decision to make it a promise ring ...When we went to chicago I, for my own stupid fault, listened to my "friends" convince me that I would get an engagement ring..and then I didn't. Then I proceeded to get upset and cry on the deck of the cruise ship like a damn fool. Learned my lesson...but THEN his sister got engaged...then some friends got engaged..and his excuse is he cant afford a ring. Well no shit sherlock, you don't have a job...and that makes me curious if his words are truthful and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me..if he really wanted to..why is he not working on getting that engagement ring? I don't know. I really just don't know what to do...and I'm sure I sound foolish at this point.

I remember when I was sitting on the magic carpet in my kindergarten class..and I thought by the year 2008 it would be jetson like and well, I would be dead...needless to say I didnt have a good perception of time haha. Instead, I am 21 years old...college student..supporting myself..living on my own..great friends..responsible..proud owner of Tucker (the smallest dog with the biggest weiner...true story) and I havnt killed him yet! So things sound good but I am still miserable. Maybe I am just meant to be miserable my entire life. I dont know. I don't know what else to do. So many things have changed...friends, family, and me. Maybe my problem is that I had to grow up too early. Yeah, I don't know.