It is 4:42 am..and I am wide awake. Kill me. I woke up about an hour ago in an immense amount of pain. Vomiting is like my weakness. I am such a baby when I am puking. Well now I cant sleep because my stomach is absolutely killing me. At least I dont have my first class tomorrow..so hopefully I can fall back asleep soon and sleep soundly for a bit.
I just read someones blog (what else is there to do at 4:45 am? the only thing on tv is MTVCribs, acne commercials and jerry springer...) and he was discussing the fact that he cleaned his house w/o the help of the latter part of his roommates...man I feel for you. Tiff can't do anything to exert energy as she is biggest piece of shit in the entire universe..but lord knows she can use every fucking plate, dish, pot, pan, bowl, cup that we own. I hate using the dishwasher. I figure we use enough water with the laudry accessories that washing some dishes by hand is smarter..and I was never able to put pots and pans in the dishwasher at my parents home..you was it as you use it not leave it in the sink where it ruins...Colleen will help clean if she see's me cleaning..and Allison is very good at cleaning. I have nearly given up on trying to keep our house clean...and it doesn't help that Tucker finds his way into everything and tears things apart...damn dog.
I really have nothing substantial to say...I am simply trying to go back to sleep but my body aches soooo bad right now I could cry. It's nights like this that I absolutely hate sleeping by myself. I guess I have become spoiled to sleeping next to someone for the last year. We started looking for houses last night. That is kind of exciting....I guess.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Hello, pizza hut?
I am anxiously waiting for my pizza to arrive..it is the first time I have had pizza in a while and will probably just look at it anyways..haha..gives me an excuse to go work out again tonight after working on my paper..that too I am procrastinating and yada yada.
This weekend is the beginning of my thanksgiving/fall break. It really wont be much of a break minus the school aspect. Well, the going to school part because I am still going to be doing projects and working everyday up to thanksgiving. Oh well.
I need to train tucker better. "Come here" does not mean he should sit down. Also, if I am studying that does not give signal for him to start whining for attention. Arg.
This weekend is the beginning of my thanksgiving/fall break. It really wont be much of a break minus the school aspect. Well, the going to school part because I am still going to be doing projects and working everyday up to thanksgiving. Oh well.
I need to train tucker better. "Come here" does not mean he should sit down. Also, if I am studying that does not give signal for him to start whining for attention. Arg.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
doot doot doot
I can't sleep. I am tired, and yet I cannot sleep. This sucks majorily. I am one of those people that cannot function without sleep. I guess I have just too much on my mind and my body aches entirely way to much to sleep right now. Shitfuck; pardon my language...
What to do, oh what tooooooo do.
I'm at a very confusing point in many aspects of my life. I had to go home last weekend to take care of some business so that I can maintain a certain mental state before it gets bad. I am not sure if this trip home was really good or not. I didnt have to deal with anyone really. Just my mother really, and that is something that will always happen but she mentally makes me exhausted. I was informed that my dad will be placed on oxygen soon. That is alarming. Dad was always so tough. The man hates sitting still and now he is spending more days at home because he cant function. He isn't even 49, so I dont really see this as fair. Nanny is always fun though. Having lunch with her is always a treat, for the most part. She is worried for both my parents. It scares the shit to be left with mom and not dad, or to be standing longer than the both of them. However, the whole situation pisses me off. Why can he NOT take care of himself? Why has my mother just let herself go so much..and why is it that the only fucking person I can talk to this about is a damn computer screen? Oh that's right, nobody can really comprehend this. Read it, take it in, then try and tell me how I feel. Even words cant really convey or express my emotions. Maybe I dont really know how I feel and that is the frustrating thing. My brother has no idea what is going on because he is so wrapped up in his new life in georgia with his new wife to really give a damn. He has to take care of nothing and nobody that concerns my family. He has always been like this and always will be I guess.
Man, see what happens when I can't sleep.
Then there is my relationship with Jerry. I dont even know. I love him, always and forever..but I am scared to death of the relationship. I want to think that it is because I have never had someone that has cared so much or if it is because I dont want this anymore and am just used to the comfort that he and I have...this brings tears, a lot of them. It has become so hard for me to forgive AND forget. I can do one but I simply cannot do them both. Having my heart broken and my head fucked with has really left me in shambles. The worst part is...he doesn't understand. He never will and HE doesn't get that. Sure, we have talked about it "Mande, it has been x amount of months..." yeah well only time can heal right? Well this might be something I can never get over. The fact that an engagement was revoked and now marriage is briefly discussed, I dont know what to feel. I'm sick of where I am in the relationship..it is so routine and that I hate. I need some spontaneity. I need something to spark something. I just need something! Maybe I need to be without him to figure out if I want to be with him. that is scary because I have been without him and I wanted him, but things just arn't the same...at least not on my end and that sucks.
Maybe I just need to be away from a lot of things to figure out what I am doing. I am so worn out in so many aspects. I know something isn't right...for the simple fact I am not sleeping. Sup manic episodes. Drip Drip, that will fix something for at least a little bit. I should be happy. I have been successfully on my own this semester. Refusing to ask mom for money and yet maintaining incredibly great grades. That is hard, really really hard. Especially when I have roommates that DONT work but get my grades and complain about not working, or having a hard schedule and how tired they are..well don't stay up til 3am playing beer pong and work my 30+ week of work with kids that are mentally and physcially abusive then spend hours reading very intense pieces of literature and writing something that doesn't sound like a five year old wrote it...and then complain. Frustrations are arising. Drip Drip, fix a little more. Ohhh the world of Mande.
I will now repress to my modern ways and enjoy VH1 and its amazingly horrible shows...and try to drift off into some kind of sleep.
What to do, oh what tooooooo do.
I'm at a very confusing point in many aspects of my life. I had to go home last weekend to take care of some business so that I can maintain a certain mental state before it gets bad. I am not sure if this trip home was really good or not. I didnt have to deal with anyone really. Just my mother really, and that is something that will always happen but she mentally makes me exhausted. I was informed that my dad will be placed on oxygen soon. That is alarming. Dad was always so tough. The man hates sitting still and now he is spending more days at home because he cant function. He isn't even 49, so I dont really see this as fair. Nanny is always fun though. Having lunch with her is always a treat, for the most part. She is worried for both my parents. It scares the shit to be left with mom and not dad, or to be standing longer than the both of them. However, the whole situation pisses me off. Why can he NOT take care of himself? Why has my mother just let herself go so much..and why is it that the only fucking person I can talk to this about is a damn computer screen? Oh that's right, nobody can really comprehend this. Read it, take it in, then try and tell me how I feel. Even words cant really convey or express my emotions. Maybe I dont really know how I feel and that is the frustrating thing. My brother has no idea what is going on because he is so wrapped up in his new life in georgia with his new wife to really give a damn. He has to take care of nothing and nobody that concerns my family. He has always been like this and always will be I guess.
Man, see what happens when I can't sleep.
Then there is my relationship with Jerry. I dont even know. I love him, always and forever..but I am scared to death of the relationship. I want to think that it is because I have never had someone that has cared so much or if it is because I dont want this anymore and am just used to the comfort that he and I have...this brings tears, a lot of them. It has become so hard for me to forgive AND forget. I can do one but I simply cannot do them both. Having my heart broken and my head fucked with has really left me in shambles. The worst part is...he doesn't understand. He never will and HE doesn't get that. Sure, we have talked about it "Mande, it has been x amount of months..." yeah well only time can heal right? Well this might be something I can never get over. The fact that an engagement was revoked and now marriage is briefly discussed, I dont know what to feel. I'm sick of where I am in the relationship..it is so routine and that I hate. I need some spontaneity. I need something to spark something. I just need something! Maybe I need to be without him to figure out if I want to be with him. that is scary because I have been without him and I wanted him, but things just arn't the same...at least not on my end and that sucks.
Maybe I just need to be away from a lot of things to figure out what I am doing. I am so worn out in so many aspects. I know something isn't right...for the simple fact I am not sleeping. Sup manic episodes. Drip Drip, that will fix something for at least a little bit. I should be happy. I have been successfully on my own this semester. Refusing to ask mom for money and yet maintaining incredibly great grades. That is hard, really really hard. Especially when I have roommates that DONT work but get my grades and complain about not working, or having a hard schedule and how tired they are..well don't stay up til 3am playing beer pong and work my 30+ week of work with kids that are mentally and physcially abusive then spend hours reading very intense pieces of literature and writing something that doesn't sound like a five year old wrote it...and then complain. Frustrations are arising. Drip Drip, fix a little more. Ohhh the world of Mande.
I will now repress to my modern ways and enjoy VH1 and its amazingly horrible shows...and try to drift off into some kind of sleep.
land softly
I am sitting here watching the newest episode of OC Housewives...and these women make me sick honestly. That, I suppose, is beside the point.
I have the hardest time when people betray my trust. I really have a harder time hating people, and hate is a strong word for me. For the first time in my life though I truly hate someone...my roommate Tiff. I think my feelings for her are so nasty because I was betrayed so immensly that I can not believe that I was so blind for a whole year. Becoming so close to someone, so close that I was suppose to be a maid of honor in her wedding, to realizing what a terrible person she became is hard for me to deal with. I'm not one to shy my feelings, well for the most part...but by god if I told this girl how I felt I would like to think she would cry for days..but I dont think she cares because she is that heartless of a person. To find out some of the cruel things she said to me really hurts and have this harsh feeling that I have is difficult to deal with. Tonight I have said the most words to her in the past four months, and I am proud I did not flat out punch her in the face. However, I refuse to let our friendship mend. As Lauren would say "I would love to forgive..but I'd also love to forget you" ...what can I say, the line fits perfectly.
Things are crazy right now. I have so many many many many mixed feelings right now about so many different things. From relationships to school and so on. I think I just need a break from everyone and everything...maybe I will just turn my phone off for an entire weekend and pretend I do not exist and totaly emerge myself in some self help that only I know will work. Sounds like a plan to me.
Now I must go read some Olidah Equiano and figure out if he was a black slave or an English Methodist writer...wow that sounds like fun.
I have the hardest time when people betray my trust. I really have a harder time hating people, and hate is a strong word for me. For the first time in my life though I truly hate someone...my roommate Tiff. I think my feelings for her are so nasty because I was betrayed so immensly that I can not believe that I was so blind for a whole year. Becoming so close to someone, so close that I was suppose to be a maid of honor in her wedding, to realizing what a terrible person she became is hard for me to deal with. I'm not one to shy my feelings, well for the most part...but by god if I told this girl how I felt I would like to think she would cry for days..but I dont think she cares because she is that heartless of a person. To find out some of the cruel things she said to me really hurts and have this harsh feeling that I have is difficult to deal with. Tonight I have said the most words to her in the past four months, and I am proud I did not flat out punch her in the face. However, I refuse to let our friendship mend. As Lauren would say "I would love to forgive..but I'd also love to forget you" ...what can I say, the line fits perfectly.
Things are crazy right now. I have so many many many many mixed feelings right now about so many different things. From relationships to school and so on. I think I just need a break from everyone and everything...maybe I will just turn my phone off for an entire weekend and pretend I do not exist and totaly emerge myself in some self help that only I know will work. Sounds like a plan to me.
Now I must go read some Olidah Equiano and figure out if he was a black slave or an English Methodist writer...wow that sounds like fun.
newbiesss
I'm anxiously waiting going to work..not. Tuesday and Thursdays are really long days for me, oh well. It doesn't help that I am getting ill, too. I woke up this morning around 5 and my throat was killing me. No good, absolutely no good. Oh well, I suppose it comes at a decent time since I have next week off from school.
Soooo...yeah.
We have a new roomie. Anyone is better then Tiffany so I cannot complain to much. Morgan hasnt really moved in yet, but it sleeping in allisons room. She's allisons younger cousin, and by younger I mean she just turned 19. I'm a bit apprehensive about this. I remember what I was like when I was 19 and lord help me if she gets like this. Especially hanging out and living with two 21year olds..I guess I just don't want a bunch of under age high school kids hanging out at my house. We will see how this works though.
I guess it is time to go to work. I am sure I will write again before bedtime. This whole journal thing really is addicting, yup.
Soooo...yeah.
We have a new roomie. Anyone is better then Tiffany so I cannot complain to much. Morgan hasnt really moved in yet, but it sleeping in allisons room. She's allisons younger cousin, and by younger I mean she just turned 19. I'm a bit apprehensive about this. I remember what I was like when I was 19 and lord help me if she gets like this. Especially hanging out and living with two 21year olds..I guess I just don't want a bunch of under age high school kids hanging out at my house. We will see how this works though.
I guess it is time to go to work. I am sure I will write again before bedtime. This whole journal thing really is addicting, yup.
Monday, November 12, 2007
ps
I just found out that I will be attending the Trans Siberian Orchestra concert in december..again this year, and yes I am excited.
Fuck yeah for some amazing music.
Fuck yeah for some amazing music.
Blippity Boopity Boo
I am so physically and mentally worn out. I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of Thanksgiving Break. More so for the fact I dont have school not so much for the Thanksgiving celebration. I don't like turkey so much or do I watch football...and I really am not excited to see the sister-in-law either. Oh well I guess I can enjoy sitting at Jerrys house with his sister discussing "fun" wedding plans, and I say that lightly....very very lightly. Wedding smedding...fuck it.
Actually I'll spend most of my time working on my anthology project and study guide packets for my young adult lit. class...oh how exciting. I spend to much time on school work. I guess it is paying off though. Once again I outsmarted Swan in modernity with my essay on Chaucer in comparison to Marlow in the relationship of the wife of bath to satan and the fall of man...that made me sound really smart, too bad I dont even know what I just said but that was my thesis topic. I would really like to be done with school, I cannot emphasize that enough.
Hmmm have you ever been so tired that you can't sleep, yeah that is how I feel write now. This is why this entry is rambling on..and on.....and on. Maybe I'll write some more later, or I shall just continue this entry.
Working out tonight with Tyson sucked..like always. As much as I enjoy it the process absolutely sucks. I feel bad when I have to stop so I can breathe because I am sure he is very frustrated..all I can do is apologize and finish as best as I can...right? Yeah sure..... At least I didnt have to use the 15lb bars while lifting..that makes me sound like a wimp but trying to balance on the steady ball, which is such a hypocritical name because it is NOT a steady ball what so ever, and lift 15lb dumb bells...yeah for my uncoordinated self it doesn't work out so well. Hopefully I am not too sore tomorrow. Unlike Jer I am seldomly sore. That makes me wonder if I am not doing something right. Tyson disagree's but threatens to make things harder so I can complain about being sore, yeah I'll pass and just agree to disagree with you Master Tyson.
Ok Im done, I am all out of rambles.
g'night -
Actually I'll spend most of my time working on my anthology project and study guide packets for my young adult lit. class...oh how exciting. I spend to much time on school work. I guess it is paying off though. Once again I outsmarted Swan in modernity with my essay on Chaucer in comparison to Marlow in the relationship of the wife of bath to satan and the fall of man...that made me sound really smart, too bad I dont even know what I just said but that was my thesis topic. I would really like to be done with school, I cannot emphasize that enough.
Hmmm have you ever been so tired that you can't sleep, yeah that is how I feel write now. This is why this entry is rambling on..and on.....and on. Maybe I'll write some more later, or I shall just continue this entry.
Working out tonight with Tyson sucked..like always. As much as I enjoy it the process absolutely sucks. I feel bad when I have to stop so I can breathe because I am sure he is very frustrated..all I can do is apologize and finish as best as I can...right? Yeah sure..... At least I didnt have to use the 15lb bars while lifting..that makes me sound like a wimp but trying to balance on the steady ball, which is such a hypocritical name because it is NOT a steady ball what so ever, and lift 15lb dumb bells...yeah for my uncoordinated self it doesn't work out so well. Hopefully I am not too sore tomorrow. Unlike Jer I am seldomly sore. That makes me wonder if I am not doing something right. Tyson disagree's but threatens to make things harder so I can complain about being sore, yeah I'll pass and just agree to disagree with you Master Tyson.
Ok Im done, I am all out of rambles.
g'night -
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