I can't sleep. I am tired, and yet I cannot sleep. This sucks majorily. I am one of those people that cannot function without sleep. I guess I have just too much on my mind and my body aches entirely way to much to sleep right now. Shitfuck; pardon my language...
What to do, oh what tooooooo do.
I'm at a very confusing point in many aspects of my life. I had to go home last weekend to take care of some business so that I can maintain a certain mental state before it gets bad. I am not sure if this trip home was really good or not. I didnt have to deal with anyone really. Just my mother really, and that is something that will always happen but she mentally makes me exhausted. I was informed that my dad will be placed on oxygen soon. That is alarming. Dad was always so tough. The man hates sitting still and now he is spending more days at home because he cant function. He isn't even 49, so I dont really see this as fair. Nanny is always fun though. Having lunch with her is always a treat, for the most part. She is worried for both my parents. It scares the shit to be left with mom and not dad, or to be standing longer than the both of them. However, the whole situation pisses me off. Why can he NOT take care of himself? Why has my mother just let herself go so much..and why is it that the only fucking person I can talk to this about is a damn computer screen? Oh that's right, nobody can really comprehend this. Read it, take it in, then try and tell me how I feel. Even words cant really convey or express my emotions. Maybe I dont really know how I feel and that is the frustrating thing. My brother has no idea what is going on because he is so wrapped up in his new life in georgia with his new wife to really give a damn. He has to take care of nothing and nobody that concerns my family. He has always been like this and always will be I guess.
Man, see what happens when I can't sleep.
Then there is my relationship with Jerry. I dont even know. I love him, always and forever..but I am scared to death of the relationship. I want to think that it is because I have never had someone that has cared so much or if it is because I dont want this anymore and am just used to the comfort that he and I have...this brings tears, a lot of them. It has become so hard for me to forgive AND forget. I can do one but I simply cannot do them both. Having my heart broken and my head fucked with has really left me in shambles. The worst part is...he doesn't understand. He never will and HE doesn't get that. Sure, we have talked about it "Mande, it has been x amount of months..." yeah well only time can heal right? Well this might be something I can never get over. The fact that an engagement was revoked and now marriage is briefly discussed, I dont know what to feel. I'm sick of where I am in the relationship..it is so routine and that I hate. I need some spontaneity. I need something to spark something. I just need something! Maybe I need to be without him to figure out if I want to be with him. that is scary because I have been without him and I wanted him, but things just arn't the same...at least not on my end and that sucks.
Maybe I just need to be away from a lot of things to figure out what I am doing. I am so worn out in so many aspects. I know something isn't right...for the simple fact I am not sleeping. Sup manic episodes. Drip Drip, that will fix something for at least a little bit. I should be happy. I have been successfully on my own this semester. Refusing to ask mom for money and yet maintaining incredibly great grades. That is hard, really really hard. Especially when I have roommates that DONT work but get my grades and complain about not working, or having a hard schedule and how tired they are..well don't stay up til 3am playing beer pong and work my 30+ week of work with kids that are mentally and physcially abusive then spend hours reading very intense pieces of literature and writing something that doesn't sound like a five year old wrote it...and then complain. Frustrations are arising. Drip Drip, fix a little more. Ohhh the world of Mande.
I will now repress to my modern ways and enjoy VH1 and its amazingly horrible shows...and try to drift off into some kind of sleep.
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Mande, you know I can't fully understand how bad it must feel to be in your situation with your dad. That has to be awful, but you know you can talk to me about anything concerning him, or your family. Always have been. Just remember that.
I'm not sure if i'm the right person to be commenting on you and Jerry's relationship, because I am the king of bad boyfriend. But I think you guys are great together, and I obviously don't know everything, and don't intend to, but i'm sure he is just as confused as you are, and it's most likely going to take a good long talk about it.
I know a thing or ten about routine relationships and how boring they do get, and it's true you do need some spontaneuity. But you're creative, you'll think of something.
Okay, now i'm really going to bed. Promise. Take care.
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